Posted by Phil on February 25, 1999 at 07:22:27:
>Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books
>and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant
>parents to take to prepare themselves for the real life experience
>of being a mother or father.
>
>1) (Women) To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and
>stick a beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there for nine
>months. After nine months, remove 10% of the beans.
>
>2) (Men) To prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip
>the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist
>to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your
>salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the
>paper and read it for the last time.
>
>3) Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who
>are already parents and berate them about their methods of
>discipline, lack of patience, apallingly low tolerance levels, and
>how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in
>which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet
>training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it-it's the
>last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.
>
>4) To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room
>from 5 pm till 10 pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12
>pounds. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and
>go to sleep. Get up at 12am and walk around the living room again
>with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't go
>back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am.
>Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the
>dark till 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast.
>Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
>
>5) Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut
>butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick
>behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your
>fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover
>the stains with crayons. There, how does that look?
>
>6) Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. First buy
>an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the
>string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for
>this: all moring.
>
>7) Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of
>paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube.
>Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a
>Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and
>an empty packet of COCO Puffs and make an exact replica of the
>Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place
>on the play group committee.
>
>8) Forget the Miata and buy the minivan. And don't think you can
>leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars
>don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in
>the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in
>the cassette player. Take a family-size bag of chocolate cookies.
>Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides
>of the car. There! Perfect!
>
>9) Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour.
>Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out
>again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it again. Walk down
>it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to
>inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum,
>dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps.
>Scream that you've had as much as you can stand until all of the
>neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the
>house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for
>a walk.
>
>10) Always repeat everything you say at least five times. Go to your
>local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find
>to a pre-school child. A fully grown goat is excellent. If you
>intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy
>your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.
>Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily
>accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.
>
>11) Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it
>from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of
>soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by
>pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot
>Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot
>of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old
>child.
>
>12) Learn the names of every character from Barney, Sesame Street,
>and Power Rangers. When you find yourself singing, "I love you,
>you love me" at work, now you finally qualify as a parent!