Posted by Phil on February 15, 1999 at 13:41:27:
> Yet another customer service phone call.......
>
> Service Rep: Hello, you have reached the Heart Systems Software Company
> help desk. How may I help you?
>
> Customer: I just received your latest program, LOVEv4.0...you know....the
> freeware. I don't understand it. Can tell me how to install it?
>
> Service Rep: Sure thing ma'am. Do you have the installation disk and
> instructions with you?
>
> Customer: Yes I do, but first can you tell me what the program does?
>
> Service Rep: Sure thing ma'am. LOVE is a unique program, there is no
> other like it in the world. LOVE attaches to your operating system and
> runs silently in the background, you will never see LOVE on your monitor
> or your toolbar, but you will notice its affect on every application you
> may have. It makes the good programs run smoother and greatly restricts
> and/or deletes the bad ones.
>
> Customer: Wow! That sounds great. How does LOVE make my machine run
> more smoothly?
>
> Service Rep: Well, good sound files, like COMPLIMENT.WAV,
> ENCOURAGEMENT.WAV, and KINDWORD.WAV will play frequently. Also,
> FORGIVENESS.EXE will be invoked every time there is an external
> violation, including the ever-popular syntax errors. LOVE allows for a
> smooth connection with external devices, regardless of what
> country it is manufactured in, the brand name, or the age of the model.
>
> Customer: That's exactly what I need, my machine has been isolated for
> too long. But what about the bad programs?
>
> CS Rep: Good question. LOVE searches your memory for programs like
> HATE.COM, BITTERNESS.EXE, SELFISH.COM, and SPITE.EXE. These programs can't
> be entirely deleted off your hard drive, but LOVE gently overpowers
> them. LOVE stops their commands from being executed and runs its own
> instructions. You will no longer hear INSULT.WAV, e.g.
>
> Customer: That's fantastic: are the upgrades free too? How do I get them?
>
> CS Rep: They are free and easy to get. Once you have LOVE installed and
> running, it automatically copies a module, or a piece of itself, to every
> external Hard drive Email And Remote Terminal (HEART) that it comes in
> contact with. In turn, those external devices run versions of LOVE return
> code to your HEART. You will be upgraded with each and every response you
> receive. But you have to remember, to receive the upgrades you have to be
> running LOVE and you have to come into contact with other computers while
> it is running.
>
> Customer: I can do that. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready
> to install now. What do I do first?
>
> CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART
> ma'am?
>
> Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now.
> Is it okay to install while they are running?
>
> CS Rep: What programs are running, ma'am?
>
> Customer: Let me see....I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE,
> and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.
>
> CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically disable PASTHURT.EXE. The
> program may remain in memory, but it will no longer disrupt other
> programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE, also. However,
> you have to delete GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent
> LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?
>
> Customer: I don't know how. Can you tell me?
>
> CS Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do
> this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have
> been completely erased.
>
> Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself
> automatically.
> Is that normal?
>
> CS Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will
> reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?
>
> Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?
>
> CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the basic program. You need
> to begin connecting to other HEART's in order to get the upgrades.
>
> Customer: Oops...I have an error message.
>
> CS Rep: What does the message say?
>
> Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS".
> What does that mean?
>
> CS Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means
> that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet
> been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming
> things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own
> machine before it can "LOVE" others.
>
> Customer: So what should I do?
>
> CS Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?
>
> Customer: Yes, I have it.
>
> CS Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.
>
> Customer: Thank you.
>
> CS Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them
> to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT,
> REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GRACE.EXE. The system will overwrite any
> conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you
> need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your
> recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes
> back.
>
> Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files.
> SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that
> WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all
> over my HEART!
>
> CS Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle
> it from here. One more thing before I go...
>
> Customer: Yes?
>
> CS Rep: LOVE is freeware. Share it with others.
>