Topic: Relationship extremely difficult for me... ready to throw in th towell
<Katy>
unregistered
posted
Hello, I am having a spiritual and emotional emergency. Why are relationships sooooooooo difficult?? It sometimes nearly kills me, being so physically sensitive. I feel unforgiving for the first time in my life. I am 61 yrs. old, I have been strong, very strong in the past, but I feel I'm at the end of my rope. I don't want to deal with our problems any longer. I want out. I let God, my hus. and myself down.
Have you sought any counseling for support? There's a lot implied in your post, so it's difficult to know how to reply . . . could you say more?
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posted
Echoing w.c.'s reply, Katy. Yes, relationships CAN be very frustrating. It often helps to talk to a counselor, clergy, or even a wise family member.
Do take care of yourself. It's never too late to do that.
-------------------- "The Light shines on in darkness . . ." - John 1: 3 - Posts: 7539 | From: Wichita, KS | Registered: Aug 2001
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I have been married for almost 4 years. My first marriage at age 57. It is his 2nd marriage, and I think he has a lot of baggage from his 1st marriage of over 20 years. She was "abusive", he says. Off and on we have had major blowups. Things have been o.k. otherwise. It's just too much to get into. I don't have any friends, nor clergy. K
Have you sought any counseling for support? There's a lot implied in your post, so it's difficult to know how to reply . . . could you say more?
W.C. I have been in counseling many times in my life, including when I was married. He will not go for marriage counseling. I don't particularly want to either. "They" say it usually doesn't do much good, anyway. I am getting too tired (and my age is 61) for all this stuff and of struggling all my life.
It's really hard for forum members to provide the support we'd like to in situations like this, even to those we've been exchanging with for some time. But we can pray for each other.
I certainly respect your unwillingness to rehash the details in this more abstract setting, although it can be a safe place in that sense as well. You are welcome to if you feel the need, and we'll attempt to respond supportively.
Since you don't indicate your life is at risk, and that the conflict is only as severe as "blow-ups," the bit about you not having any friends is what would concern me the most. Having some social intimacy, real confidants, is important for enduring the overwhelm your describing i.e, somebody that can love and support you as you go through this, regardless of the outcome.
Since you say you don't have friends, then perhaps either see if there is somebody who has tried to befriend you in the recent past, or somebody you'd want to connect to in that way, just to start building your own support system. But since friendships often take time before a deep level of support can be felt, seeking counseling just for your own comfort is still a reasonable consideration. Most counselors will respect the fact that you may have reached the end of the line in your relationship, and that what your simply needing emotional and spiritual support to manage the pain and life crisis transition. Group counseling can be both a source of therapeutic support and commaraderie sometimes leading to friendships, although it isn't a place to go looking for friendships as the primary motivation. Another option might be a spiritual director, which doesn't require church membership. If that appeals to you, then Phil offers a list of spirtual directors to consider. Phil and others could also give you our impressions of what spiritual direction involves, as it is similar but distinct from counseling.
The only other precaution I'd take is if you feel despair regarding your life in general. IOW, have you suffered depression in the past, been on medication, and are you currently under a doctor's care? For people in despair, perhaps even experiencing occasional, intrusive suicidal ideations, even ideations they don't feel they'd act on, a physician's evaluation is indicated, since these intrusive ideations are a way of the psyche saying it is having difficulty maintaining itself on its own. The medication doesn't have to be a permanent habit, and if you tell your doctor this he or she will consider medications that are not difficult for patients to wean from once the crisis situation is over.
On the alternative side, a doctor of oriental medicine can perhaps provide the acupuncture and herbs in the case of mild to moderate depression. But if your experiencing suicidal ideations, along with social isolation, then an M.D's evaluation may be the first step, with alternative medicine a plan once your past the severe crisis.
You can also call your local suicide crisis line for support and remain anonymous. And, of course, 911 is a last resort if you feel immediate intervention is necessary.
It seems your saying that at 61 your tired of struggling with the intimate relationship. OTOH, and with respect for the aging struggle, intimate relationships just seem to bring this as part of the strange gift they are. I'm no expert, and even Phil, whose been married a million years, would probably say it still requires work to get through the conflicts.
I'll keep you in my prayers. Please reach out in some way Katy, to a friend or professional, so your not so alone in this painful struggle.
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w.c.
unregistered
posted
Katy:
Just to let you know, I'm in a situation where I have no supportive family, but do have close friends. The loss of family has probably inhibited me from seeking a SO (significant other), since the loss of a SO, like what your going through, is made all the worse when there are no family members as a foundation of security (IOW, better lonely than lonely and having a fresh wound on top of it). I'm 43 and in what many would call mid-life, except without a wife and children to heighten the intensity of the identity crisis. You sound like you may be going through your own version of this, where any significant loss can make the future seem more uncertain, or even dismal.
So do what you can to keep yourself connected to other people, even though stepping out right now may go against the tendency to withdraw and lick one's wounds. Start with the simplest of steps: make a list of these, and maybe do one just to give yourself the sense of being able to do more than just survive, if that's an accurate description of your current state.
posted
W.C. I realize I gave very little information about what's going on. I was too overwhelmed and there's too much to say.. There is no physical abuse involved, and I am not suicidal. I have quite a history though, of anxiety, depression, and am, and have been under a Drs. care (a holistic Dr.) for many years and am on medication. Before I got married, I had other single friends. Now that I'm married, and we live out in the country away from everyone and everything, I have lost touch with them all. And most of them, I wouldn't want to share this with, anyway. I am also a highly sensitive person, and go to a HSP message board for support...(over 1000 members) well I used to. And I used to be the moderator... that is another story too. Thanks for your replys and your prayers. K
posted
Thanks for following up, Katy. I think you've gotten some good feedback from w.c.
It's a shame that marriage sometimes takes one away from old friends; I hope you can re-connect. I would also add that counseling often does help couples sort things out and re-negotiate their lives together. Minimally, it can help them to determine if this is even possible. If not, then that "failure" is actually a success in a way in that you know where you stand and you can make decisions accordingly.
I married at 26 and it took me a few years to really feel married. I would imagine that marrying at 57 is even more an adjustment.
Be good to yourself and take care of *you* these days, Katy. You are in my prayers.
-------------------- "The Light shines on in darkness . . ." - John 1: 3 - Posts: 7539 | From: Wichita, KS | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
"Another option might be a spiritual director, which doesn't require church membership. If that appeals to you, then Phil offers a list of spirtual directors to consider. Phil and others could also give you our impressions of what spiritual direction involves, as it is similar but distinct from counseling"
W.C. I have been told several times in the past I should have a spiritual director, even before I was married. I don't really know how to go about getting one.. and one who would understand HSPs. I also have had "kundalini" issues in the past and many other reasons why I prob. should seek out a S.D. The spiritual consultation Phil offers here... is that over the internet or on the phone? I guess Phil will see this.
posted
Oh, and thanks for telling me to take care of myself. I always like to hear that. Maybe I need to hear it from someone.. to have "permission". I do need to eat.. haven't eaten solid food since Sat. eve. except for a couple of pretzels. And thanks for your prayers. K
I've been working with a spiritual director for about six months now. Since I've been finding my way back to the church from Buddhism and Hinduism over the past decade or so, the Christian tradition of spiritual direction isn't a problem for me anymore. Of course, the transformative effects of Buddhist practice, and of having a loving Hindu teacher, will always remain a deep personal aspect in my sense of things.
But I would say that any spiritual director worth his or her salt would be receptive to any yearning of the soul, regardless of the way the Divine is manifesting in the aspirant's life. OTOH, someone from a Christian background, without being familiar with Kundalini and its attendant psychic affects, might not communicate well over certain matters. Phil can make recommendations for you along these lines. This forum has a list of spiritual directors with a description of how they conduct direction. Most of it is done by phone, or in person, depending on proximity.
After many years of meditation practice, and about 10 years of strong Kundalini activity, the simple personal devotion of prayer where the intimacy of God is felt in the heart, has been a balm indeed. Spiritual direction supports this personal prayer life, and offers the challenge of developing a commitment to others in the way of charitable service. If your a reader, you might look at the book "Holy Listening: The Art of Spiritual Direction," by Margaret Guenther. I believe this book is out of print, but you can find used copies in good condition through Amazon.
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posted
Right Katy, a good meal can really help to keep the energy up.
Ditto w.c.'s recommendation for spiritual direction. Face-to-face works best, if that's possible. Drop me a line at phil@shalomplace.com and let me know where you live. I have a directory of spiritual directors from around the world. Perhaps there's someone in your area. If not, see http://shalomplace.com/direction/index.html and note the consultation option.
-------------------- "The Light shines on in darkness . . ." - John 1: 3 - Posts: 7539 | From: Wichita, KS | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
An Update: I am feeling much better mentally and physically, doing what I know I need to do to feel well. Prior to this I feel I was in no "condition" to deal with the situation with my husband.. We have not been speaking since Sunday afternoon, except for a few "polite" exchanges. Last night, when I felt strong enough to deal with the issues, and asked for forgiveness, he still isn't "forgiving" me. However last Sun. he asked for my forgiveness, and I was not able to forgive him for several days. Maybe he is doing the same thing to me, now.. waiting a few days until he "feels" forgiving. The odd thing is though, that he left me a nice note on the table Mon. morning...before I forgave him... kind of complicated. Hope you get the picture.
Anyway, I guess it's hopefully a matter of waiting for him to "cool" down. It usually takes us HSPs days.. sometimes even a week for our body/mind to get back to normal after an intensive emotional upset.
There is a huge difference in the way I feel today, and the way I felt last weekend. Am eating "right", no coffee, no sugar, been doing my centering prayer, and yoga. Seems I am an altogether different person when I FEEL good.
posted
Sounds like you two are working through things, Katy. That's good.
Yes, I can identify with how much better things go when I eat right, pray, sleep, etc. Self-care is indispensable for staying healthy in a relationship, especially when it's being tested.
Thanks for keeping us informed of your situation. I've been concerned.
-------------------- "The Light shines on in darkness . . ." - John 1: 3 - Posts: 7539 | From: Wichita, KS | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
There is a huge difference in the way I feel today, and the way I felt last weekend. Am eating "right", no coffee, no sugar, been doing my centering prayer, and yoga. Seems I am an altogether different person when I FEEL good.
Do any of you find this to be true for you?
Most definitely. The question is, why don’t we do this all the time? I was watching Dr. Phil the other day (the other Phil) and he was talking about New Years Resolutions. He said that they are all basically crap if we don’t first acknowledge that we are worthy of being happy, of being worthy of good care and attention. That’s not such an easy hurdle, as obvious as it seems.
Posts: 5365 | From: Washington State | Registered: Sep 2001
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quote:Originally posted by Brad Nelson: There is a huge difference in the way I feel today, and the way I felt last weekend. Am eating "right", no coffee, no sugar, been doing my centering prayer, and yoga. Seems I am an altogether different person when I FEEL good.
Do any of you find this to be true for you?
Most definitely. The question is, why don’t we do this all the time? I was watching Dr. Phil the other day (the other Phil) and he was talking about New Years Resolutions. He said that they are all basically crap if we don’t first acknowledge that we are worthy of being happy, of being worthy of good care and attention. That’s not such an easy hurdle, as obvious as it seems.
Hi Brad, Thanks for your reply. I know, I quit making N.Y. reslutions a long time ago. However, in the N.Y. I like to think of new beginnings; how I can improve; in other words, sort of take inventory.
I know a lot about nutrition and healthy lifestyle, but I admit I don't practice a lot of what I preach. Mostly because I have little support.. and so I go along with the herd and do what everyone else is doing. But, boy, do I pay the price. The holidays, and this and that, did me in physically. I guess I'm now paying for my "nutritional sins"
I honestly believe that one of the pitfalls of self-improvement is that when we're trying to improve ourselves we often have a hidden agenda: to run away from our selves.
I know that when I've stuck to my diet that I've felt better. But my motivation isn't just to feel better. I want to *be* better and that often equates, in subtle ways, to not being me. All that stuff gets mixed in. I go through this process of feeling better, do all this hard work, and find there's often nothing on the other side of the rainbow, so to speak. I'm still the same person I was but without some of the pain. Sometimes I even feel more defeated because here I am even screwing up health!
To stay on a diet, or anything else like that, requires a belief that things can get better or else we're often simply putting on useless trappings of normalcy. I think as Phil, W.C., or anyone else would rightly tell you, getting into the habit of good behavior, whether your heart's in it or not, can lead to this stuff seeping down into the soul where it eventually sticks.
My advice is to just to be. That's the consonant "b" followed by the vowel "e". You won't suddenly sink by letting all your expectations take a break for a while. Why drives us nuts is if usually the idea that we're not good enough, don't have enough, can't tolerate what we have now, etc.
A diet is a particularly tricky thing because, gosh darn it, we deserve a little pleasure for all the other crap we put up with. That's a hard cycle to break. Very hard. So just for now, ease up on yourself. Concentrate on what's going right, not what needs fixing. Let go of all the petty things that, if truth be told, probably don't make a big difference on way or another.
Anyway, that's about the extent of my wisdom on the subject. I don't know what, if anything, relates to you, but I hope at least you find a kernel of something helpful.
Posts: 5365 | From: Washington State | Registered: Sep 2001
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posted
Gee Brad, you brought up so many things that I have something to say about! I appreciate your input, but I do disagree on the nutritional issue. I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt that what I eat also determines who I am.. not only how I feel. Well, I don't want to sound defensive. Maybe you will know more about where I'm coming from by reading my website which is all about holistic health, if you haven't already. www.holystic.com
posted
"I go through this process of feeling better, do all this hard work, and find there's often nothing on the other side of the rainbow, so to speak. I'm still the same person I was but without some of the pain"
Brad, Last summer I did an experiment and did all my "health things", and felt very good; I also heard God's voice very clearly. I felt that I had glimpses of a higher dimension. I know who I am In Christ. Christ, the Truth in me. I think one needs to have a clean vessel in order or Him to do His work thru us and in order for us to hear His voice. That's the way it seems to work for me, anyway.
BTW I do not go on diets. I am not overweight, nor in pain. I just like to try to keep my "temple" clean.
posted
Brad, one more thing, you said "A diet is a particularly tricky thing because, gosh darn it, we deserve a little pleasure for all the other crap we put up with."
Sorry folks, don't know if I'm posting correctly with the quotes, etc.. but anywho..
With me it has always been the other way around. I had/have a lot of crap to put up with largely because of the junk foods I had and toxins in the body messing up my brain chemistry. Now when I eat "right", etc. when something happens.. a challenge, a mean person, whatever... I am better able to deal with it. I'm not saying the problems will go away. It's not what happens; it's how we deal with what happens. Don't know if I'm explaining this right, as I am not much of a "debater".
I guess we are all on different paths, or at different places on the "path"
posted
Katy said: With me it has always been the other way around. I had/have a lot of crap to put up with largely because of the junk foods I had and toxins in the body messing up my brain chemistry.
Yes, that’s a great perspective. I know what you’re saying, but it’s also a way of putting a new and maybe better perspective on what I previously said. A lot of things seem to be big deals when we’re not in the best frame of mind. We wouldn’t have to run to our crutches if perhaps we weren’t using them in the first place.
Don't know if I'm explaining this right, as I am not much of a "debater".
Well, being able to put into words precisely what you’re thinking takes lots and lots of practice…and even then the best we can do is just an approximation. I think you did a splendid job.
[ January 16, 2004, 12:17 PM: Message edited by: Brad Nelson ]
Posts: 5365 | From: Washington State | Registered: Sep 2001
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