Shalom Place

Boundaries and Relationships

- by Philip St. Romain; all rights reserved

Boundaries are the means by which "I" experience myself as separate from the “Other.” Boundaries define the “space” within which I can experience both freedom and energy as properties of my personhood which belong to me, and not the other. Because of boundaries, the other andI can freely enter into a relationship and experience ourselves as "we":
I + Thou = We

Consequences of Lack of Boundaries
1. Dependent Personality Disorder: “I” am part of the “Other.” I belong to the other, having no freedom and energy of my own.
2. Narcissism: The "Other” is part of "Me," an extension of myself. The other is “Mine, nota separate entity with freedom and energy of their own.
3. Codependency: both of the above, simultaneously.
- In all of the above, there is a negation of personhood, role confusion, and emotional negativity.

Defining What Belongs to Me
* My freedom to choose.
* My psychic energy.
* My body/sexuality.
* My gifts and talents.
* That which I have earned by the fruit of my labor.

How I Lose My Boundaries: Giving Away What Belongs to Me
1, Misuse of freedom.
  a. I allow others to make decisions for me; I allow them to do for me what I should do for myself; accepting unacceptable behavior.
  b. I try to make decisions for others; I try to do for others what they can and should do for themselves.
  c. I choose to do that which hurts me and others.
2. Wasteful expenditure of psychic energy: worrying, excessive speech, excessive sexual activity, excessive physical activity, poor diet, poor exercise, poor sleep.
3. I put my body/sexuality in the service of others in ways that cause me pain and violate my values.
4. I do not develop my gifts and talents, or else use them in ways that violate my values.
5. The fruit of my labor is stolen from me.

How to Regain Boundaries
1. Proper exercise of freedom
  a. I make my own decisions about my life.
  b. I allow others to make their own decisions.
  c. I live according to a set of moral values.
2. I quit wasting energy, and so begin to experience more energy at my disposal to use howsoever I choose.
3. My body/sexuality belongs to me, and I share it according to my values.
4. I develop my gifts and talents in ways I enjoy.
5. I claim the fruit of my labor, and decide for myself how I will share it with others.
6. I quit accepting unacceptable behavior from others.